Surprise! You Know Much Less Than you Think You Do

Every time I think I've figured this place out, something happens to make me realize that I probably know even less than I did when I first got here. Malaysia just has this way of psyching you out.

Since we arrived in January, Ezra and I have been aware 24/7 that Malaysia is a conservative country, and that Terengganu is a conservative state in a conservative country. For me, this means no shorts or short sleeves, no shaking hands with men, and accepting the fact that when men want to know something about me, they will ask Ezra right in front of my face. For both of us, it means no talking about sex, drugs, pork, divorce, homosexuality or alcohol, and no PDA (not even holding hands or hugging).

Not that we haven't received mixed messages throughout this whole experience, but the past week has mostly pleasantly driven the point home that no matter how much we think we know, we know nothing. Some examples:

Last weekend, Ez and I took a short trip to Melaka, a small city on the West Coast known for its Dutch and Portuguese colonial influences. It was a great place, and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, despite the fact that this is what I experienced for the entire 8-hour bus ride there:

But yes, despite that, it was a great trip. Most notable, was the Royal Customs Museum. Curious what could possibly be interesting about a museum about the customs department, Ez and I ventured inside. (And, it was free). What we found, basically, is the place where Malaysia expresses it's need to talk about all of the forbidden things I just mentioned. Inside the museum were endless amounts of items that had been confiscated over the years by the Malaysian customs department, such as handles of booze, statues of naked women, and even pornography. So, apparently, you can talk about those things in Malaysia, as long as you're in the Royal Customs Museum in Melaka. Surprise!

River Views in Melaka

I also found out recently that it actually is okay to talk about divorce, because despite the common remark that divorce is forbidden and never happens in Terengganu, the truth is, it happens all the time! This was news to me, since for the better part of my time here, I have been told that unlike "you Americans," Malays don't believe in divorce and it NEVER happens. Well, recently, one of my Form 3 students who lives at the hostel had been having anxiety attacks (4 to be exact) in which she started hyperventilating and her limbs went numb. At first, I thought this was asthma and gave her my inhaler, which helped. But, the second time it happened, I took her to the hospital (where was the adult in charge here besides me?) where they informed me it was a panic attack and she needed counseling. I informed the school and they said they'd handle it. Two panic attacks and two more trips to the hospital later, they decided to ask her what was wrong (she wouldn't/couldn't tell me). Turns out, her father was divorcing her mother, and leaving her alone in a one-room house with eight children and no job. This, of course, was stressing my little student out. When I asked my foster mom about the divorce, and if maybe the girl was upset because she thought others would look down on her for this, my foster mom replied that, no, of course not, divorce happens all the time! Half the students in the school have divorced parents! Surprise!

I am happy to report though that the girl, we'll call her "Nor," is doing very well now, has not had anymore attacks, and we are the best of friends. So, whatever counseling they did for her worked I guess.

On the front of gender-relations in Terengganu, I am learning more and more that they are just that: gender relations in Terengganu. Of course I knew that in KL men would shake my hand and perhaps even look me in the eye when we spoke, but living in Terengganu for so long always makes me forget that. I was reminded again yesterday when a very nice man from Negeri Sembilan, a West Coast state, came to my school to do some dental work on the kids for their once-per-year dental check-up (these are some of the state's poorest kids, so that's why they get dentist appointments through their school). Anyways, the dentist and I got to talking a bit, and he asked me how I felt about Terengganu. I did as I am told to do and answered only half-truthfully, that I loved it and it was great. He saw right through me somehow, and explained how I didn't have to hide the truth, because even as a Malay man he always has culture shock when he comes to Terengganu. He even said, "and women won't even shake my hand!" The funny thing was, at the end of our delightful conversation in which my stereotypes about Malaysian men were all disproved, he put out his hand to shake mine, and I was still so taken aback that I hesitated. By the time I got it together to put my hand out, he had already retracted his and just said "nice to meet you!" and left. So, surprise! I am the conservative one? I'm a little worried how I am going to be in social situations back in the States now...

On to discussions of sexual orientation. In a few words: they don't happen here. Marriage is strictly between a man and a woman, and anything else is forbidden both by law and religion. So much so, that I doubted that the kids would even have a consciousness of homosexuality, unless of course it was through personal experience. Well, the other day I received a letter from a Form 2 girl (14 years old) that said, "Ms. Sarah, I like someone. But, this person is not a boy. It is a girl. I like her because she is clever and smart. What should I do?"

Well, I figured that either 1) She meant that she liked the girl as a friend, and maybe was too shy to talk to her because she was a popular girl or something, or 2) She had romantic feelings for a girl and had no idea what that meant, either physiologically or culturally. So, I decided that if this did indicate that one day her sexual orientation would be one that her country did not accept, at least for now I could lend my understanding ears so that when she figured it out for herself, at least she would remember that I said it was ok, and that somewhere in the world she would be accepted. And, I figured if she only liked the girl as a friend, she probably wouldn't even understand what I meant by liking a girl in that way, since discussions of these things around a 14 year old girl probably don't happen. So, either way, I decided it was safe to ask her to clarify what she meant, and she would either be eager to tell me how she felt about this girl, or would harmlessly inform me that her feelings were platonic.

Well, yesterday, I received a letter back that proved to me once again how clueless I am. It said, "Miss, I only like her as a friend. I am not a lesbian. I am a normal girl." Surprise! Despite how sheltered these kids are, they still know all about everything they're not supposed to know about, even in the middle of nowhere where we live. I haven't written back to her yet, but I suppose I will just tell her that I only asked because where I live, being a lesbian is also considered normal, so I just wanted her to clarify. Then I suppose I'll ask her why she is having trouble being friends with this girl she admires so much.

That's all for now. I must go back to working in my office with 25 other women, covered head to toe in conservative garb, as we all (Surprise!) listen to "My Humps" and "Touch My Body" on the radio, everyone singing along.